Where Instinct Fails, Intellect Must Venture
by IShouldBeWriting
Summary: Becker considers his relationship with Jess carefully in the light of a recent conversation with an old friend. This is the next part in my "Breakable" series following after "Tearless Grief Bleeds Inwardly"


~~oOOo~~

Proverbs 6:27 "Can a man hold fire against his chest without burning his clothes?"

~~oOOo~~

"You do remember that you chose to leave our ranks, don't you?" Father Ferrick asked quietly as they sat in one of the pews at the back of the old stone church.

Hilary Becker watched the play of cloud shadows dimming the colored mosaic of light on the floor as he considered the statement. He knew without question that there was far more to the retired priest's question than the obvious but he could not for the life of him figure out how to answer. If he answered with the simplicity it deserved, he would be ignoring the entire reason for his visit. And Becker knew very well that it was exactly that sort of entrapment which the Father sought to use in getting him to address his own concerns without assistance. It was a tiresome game of intellectual cat and mouse which they'd played together countless times in their roles as mentor and seminarian. No longer Father Ferrick's student, Hilary Becker felt resistant to fall back into their old pattern yet again.

"I may not have been your pupil for quite some time," Becker conceded. "But is it not your job to council the faithful when we come to you for guidance?"

"Bollocks, boy," The priest responded with a dismissive gesture. "You and I both know that you have not been entirely of this faith for quite some time. Now if my good friend Captain Becker were to come to me, Kellan, for advice, then I might offer him a bite of lunch, a cup of coffee, and perhaps some words of wisdom depending on the subject of which he inquired."

Becker quirked a half-smile, recognizing that the older man had him dead to rights. Like many military men, a year fighting zealots in the desert had killed any religious impulses Becker once possessed. Though he'd long since given up pretensions of faith, Jess was right; unravelling the jumbled mess within his psyche had to start somewhere. His childhood adherence to a belief in god was as good a place as any. It was certainly better than trying to sort through his complicated feelings for his parents. Either way, Becker swore to himself that he'd make a start on it while Jess was away for the week. So here he sat watching clouds eclipse the church windows as he spent more time considering himself than most of the ARC's staff would have believed possible of their "action man" as Connor had once jokingly named him.

"Well, Kellan," Becker said pointedly, "why don't we go have that cup of coffee you mentioned."

Father Ferrick gave him the pleased old gent smile that Becker already knew to be a polite lie as he ushered him through the side door of the church and across the yard to the dormitories. As they walked, Becker could see that the grounds of the seminary hadn't changed much in the decade following his departure. The change was in the number of students. When he'd been studying, there had been close to a hundred brethren-in-training of varying ages. Now he saw fewer than half that number. While a part of Becker was saddened to see men like the good Father becoming extinct like the dinosaurs, the pragmatic part of Becker's soul rejoiced in the hope that a larger percentage of the men now pursuing studies would someday be ordained.

The refectory was quiet as Becker and Father Ferrick retrieved their coffee from the kitchen where a few of the brethren were beginning dinner preparations. They sat quietly beside one of the windows overlooking the gardens. Becker sighed as he put down his cup knowing that Father Ferrick was waiting and that time would not make things any easier.

"There's this girl, Father-"he began.

Father Ferrick chuckled.

"My dear boy, that's wonderful! When are you to marry?"

"But we're not," Becker interrupted. "At least, not yet, though it might be a possibility down the road if I can ever get my head clear enough not to drive her off. I've still no idea why she puts up with me the way I am."

"Tied yourself in knots have you, lad?"

"Too right, Father," Becker conceded with a frustrated huff.

"For heaven's sake, it's just plain Kellan now, Hilary. Forget all this man of the cloth nonsense for just a little while and let's see if we can set you straight?"

Becker gave a resigned nod. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, before Father Ferrick finally broken in.

"Where did you meet her?" he prompted.

"She's the field coordinator for the joint government private industry project my unit has been attached to."

"And how long have you been seeing each other?"

"A couple months," Becker replied.

"And the problem?" Father Ferrick asked.

"Desire," Becker muttered succinctly.

"I'll assume that it's not a lack of it that's the issue," Father Ferrick set his coffee down carefully before he continued. "Assuming you're both attracted to each other in equal measure, I'm having a hard time seeing how this is problematic."

"Don't toy with me, Father. I may no longer be one of your pupils, but I do still remember my bible studies. 1st Thessalonians 4:3-7 says; _'It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God.'"_

"But you've missed the point entirely, Hilary. Thessalonians was written at the height of Rome's power. It was a city filled with decadence, brutality, immorality. The verse you cited was a reminder to Christians that they must live above the moral decay which surrounded them. It is an admonition against sexual immorality, not a prohibition against sex entirely."

"Then what of Paul's verse in Corinthians?" Becker fired back.

"_"It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman. But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband"_ Is that the one you mean?"

Becker nodded.

"Much of Paul's use of purity language is based on the concept of the faithful as God's temple. In verse 2 Paul says that we should marry in order to avoid "fornication." The Greek word used is "Porneia," which means far more than the English word fornication. The best translation would be "immoral sexuality" and this would include adultery, premarital sex, and homosexuality. He wasn't concerned with sex as a whole, rather with immoral sex. Paul's solution for dealing with sexual desires was that people marry so they can have sex without immorality. It was about the need to glorify God with our bodies. "

Becker looked thoughtful.

"But sex is intended to be a sacrament within marriage. So what of desire before marriage?"

"A man should look at desire as a temptation sent by Satan which he must battle. You must find a way to have self control. What other reason would there be to marry, if we could have sex without that complication? But then we fall prey to the immoral behavior which is expressly prohibited. CS Lewis said it quite well; "_Creatures are not born with desires unless satisfaction for those desires exists.' A baby feels hunger: well, there is such a thing as food. Men feel sexual desire: well, there is such a thing as sex.' _Again, the only solution for sexual needs should be marriage."

They sat silently for a few minutes each sipping their coffee as they considered the discussion further. Finally Father Ferrick spoke again.

"When you chose to leave seminary, Hilary, did you expect to spend the rest of your life in the military with no intention of marrying? Did you intend to keep your heart walled off from the world forever? That's your parents talking and I can't say that I approve."

~~oOOo~~

Becker leaned back into his pillow. The early morning sun seeped through his closed eyelids as he remembered Father Ferrick's words. The older man had been right. Irrefutably, inexorably logical, and completely correct. It'd been a long time since Becker truly believed in the Catholic sacraments; in the idea that sin would damn him to an eternity in hell. No, hell had already claimed him for it's own as the deaths of his friends and colleagues cut him to ribbons. He hadn't been able to protect them, save them, just as he'd been unable to protect his brother. More than thoughts of heaven or hell, his fear that he would be unable to protect Jess made Becker keep her at arms' length. He could not stand to let her into his heart only to have her ripped away like all the others. But neither could he not afford to wall himself away from the world forever; talking with Father Ferrick made him realize that. Eventually he had to take a risk on someone. He would have to let someone inside to help him cauterize the broken pieces of his heart. Rather than remaining forever alone, he needed help in healing, to love, to share his life.


End file.
